There are times in our lives when we get that smack on the back of the head or the “D’oh” slap to the forehead when we just finally get the answer to some nagging problem you are having.
I had a day to spend with my ‘partner’ on Monday. It was great, we had our time together and then it just hit me. I had to let him go. Did I want to? No, I didn’t, but I did not have a choice if I want to continue with my journey into the ANR world. My journey was not progressing like I had hoped. I was not getting the ‘let down’ that I was hoping for with him. That bond that is needed for it was just not there. And that hurt so much to have to make that choice.
I know that he and I have a special bond that has lasted for so many years, but sometimes even that isn’t enough to have that unique relationship that ANR requires.
It has made me think about one of the groups I am in; which happen to be a few. Most of the men and women in them post ads “Looking for ANR in ….” Here is the thing.
You can’t look for an ANR unless you are really already lactating/producing milk. Once you have that, you can then have the type of relationship you want. If you just want a nursing relationship, then you can have that. Or if you want a relationship with ANR as a part of it, you can have that.
Having someone offer to ‘help you induce’ isn’t a realistic thing. The bond and closeness you need with this person, is something you develop over time. Having someone help you induce, doesn’t always allow for that closeness. It is the means to the end.
The milk ‘let down’ happens in many ways. Each time your partner nurses, the nerves in your breasts sends signals that release the milk into your milk ducts. The let down reflex usually happens after your partner has been sucking the breast for a couple of minutes. All women experience the ‘let down reflex’ in different ways. Some feel it as a tingling or a warmth, others don’t feel their let down at all. Some, who have sensitive reflexes, can let down their milk either right before or right at the beginning of the session. Many women even experience an uncontrolled let-down when they hear their partner or even think about their partner; and milk will begin to flow even if the partner isn’t nursing.
This is what was missing between myself and my partner. I am not angry with him about this. Actually quite the opposite. I love him more for understanding that I had to make this decision. Monday evening, I explained to him (in an email) that I had to walk away from this situation with him. I told him that I did know that I was probably making the largest mistake ever in my life by doing this; but I know that it is the right thing also.
For two days, I cried my eyes out. Even last night on the way home, I couldn’t control the tears. I hid under my blanket and my coat (oh, don’t worry….I wasn’t driving) and just let my tears flow. When I got home last, I did the comfort food thing and went to bed (about 7 ish) and while laying in bed, I was just doing some simple massages of my breasts and found my nipples were ‘wet’. This is what makes me know that this was for the best….to let him go. Letting him go….allowed me to have my milk let go also.
This is a sad realization for me. I love him with all my heart (and he knows that); but I understand that my love for him was actually getting in the way of this process. Maybe some day he and I can try again; after my milk is really in….but for now…….I had to let go of him.
nursingdesire 